When I lived in Cork City with my sisters, we used to go to tribal bellydance classes. During one weekly lesson, we were all in a circle and learning a new strenuous upper body move. One girl in particular was finding it hard to master. She sighed a deep frustrated sigh and muttered something self-critical under her breath. Immediately Marius, our brilliant dance teacher, interjected –
“Hey, don’t speak to my friend like that!”
For a moment, I didn’t understand what she had said. The moment later, I realized the genius of what was just uttered.
This, for me, synopsizes what self-compassion is. To treat ourselves like we would our friends. With kindness, patience, understanding, and encouragement.
How kind are you to yourself? How do you speak to yourself? Is it friendly in there in your inner world?
With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.
Dr. Kristin Neff
What is Your Self-Compassion Score?
I heard about Dr. Kristin Neff’s pioneering research on self-compassion soon after I moved here to the USA, in 2012 (Thank you Sean O’Connell!). However it wasn’t until 2015 that I took her online self-compassion test. Let me tell you about that …
It was January 21st 2015. I had started the new year with a huge shift in lifestyle and focus, dedicating myself to building my fledgling professional organizing business. For the first time since moving to the States 3 years earlier, I was feeling things beginning to fall more solidly into place. Being randomly reminded of Kristin Neff’s self-compassion test, I jumped online to take it. I duly went down through all the questions and answered them honestly. My result, on a scale of 1 – 5, with 5 being the highest?
1.67
I was in shock. I actually couldn’t believe my score was this low. Am I really that self-critical and unkind to myself? The world stood still for a moment. Staring at the score on the screen, I realized I was unearthing something BIG here.
Still not fully able to grasp the reality of the low self-compassion score, I reached out for some calibration. Maybe most people’s score is this low? I thought through all the self-compassion test questions again and couldn’t imagine how anyone could answer them any differently. Yes that must be it – everyone just naturally has a low self-compassion score!! I sent the test link to my sisters so they could take the test too, and perhaps prove my theory …
They got 4 scores!
Gulp! HUGE reality check. I had to really come to terms with how far away I had gotten from centre. But how could this be? I was “spiritual”. I was the meditator, the traveller to India to seek truth, the one that knows about things like self-compassion tests!! Yet here I was. When I asked my sisters what they were doing to have such high self-compassion scores, they listed techniques and ways of being that, in a lot of cases, I had shared with them years previously! I was lost and I didn’t really know it until taking that test.
When things are this serious, it’s time for a game plan! I vowed to take the test the exact same day the following year and was determined to score high! For that intervening year, I vowed to incorporate all the self-compassion strategies I already knew (but hadn’t been practicing), and do the self-compassion exercises outlined in Kristin Neff’s website.
And I did. I started being much kinder to myself. I started to see the negative self-talk and self-criticism voices wanting to dig in, and instead I would give myself words of kindness, reminders of patience, and that I was already “good enough”. I allowed myself to acknowledge the difficulty in going through big life changes, whether that be the monumental life change of moving countries, getting used to married life, or starting a new business. And that it was ok (and not a human defect) to feel overwhelm, loss and confusion when going through these changes. I began to realize that others feel the same things too, and that I wasn’t isolated in my experiences. The more I shared with others, the more I realized we all enter periods where we feel lost, are overwhelmed or feel “less than”. However, we don’t have to tie these natural transitions to internal self-berating dialogue.
Committing myself to radical self-compassion created a dramatic shift in my life. And the following year, what was my self-compassion score?
3.68
Now it is one of my annual rituals! I take the test each year so I can calibrate where I’m at in my inner world. What energy is running the show here? Self-criticism or self-appreciation? And it motivates me to keep practicing self-kindness. This year, for the second year in a row, I got to the 4’s!!
We all need calibrators. How far have we really come, in what matters most? How far off are we in our own internal world? Sometimes we need the wake-up call.
What is your self-compassion score?
Please feel free to share your score, if you so wish. I’d love to hear what it is, what you are doing to take care of yourself, or what strategies you might put in place to do so.
Self-Compassion Full Circle!
Ok, now let me tell you what happened the following year, when I’m now living in a much kinder and supportive inner world.
It’s March 2016 and the client base for my professional organizing business keeps expanding. One of these new clients are Marilyn and Bill Orr. Marilyn is a executive and leadership coach, and needs help organizing her business one day a week. We drink many cups of tea (she’s Canadian – she gets the supreme value and ritual of hot tea!), and we quickly realize we’re on the same wavelength.
It’s my second work visit to the Orr household and I’m carrying torn out pages from the latest Austin Woman Magazine featuring Dr. Kristin Neff. I’m eager to share the revelation of self-compassion with this cool couple, knowing that they’ll “get it”.
Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneering researcher at The University of Texas, charts a new course that might just change your life in ways you never expected.
Austin Woman Magazine, “Forget Self-Esteem – Think Self-Compassion”, February 2016
It wasn’t a surprise to discover that Marilyn and Bill were already well-acquainted with the life-transforming work of Dr. Neff. We shared some great conversations on the topic of self-compassion and the importance of unplugging that inner critic.
In the months that followed, I learned of Marilyn and Bill’s full heart dream to build a wellness retreat in the Texas Hill Country, to help others heal and grow in a supportive and nurturing environment. They shared how a core part of their mission is to be “green” – to operate with full integrity in relationship to the environment and our limited natural resources. I paused and looked at them. “You do know I have a Masters in Environmental Sustainability, and worked in the environmental realm before moving to the States, right?” They didn’t. We all looked at each other, realizing in that moment that perhaps there was something greater at play here. It was one of those goose-bump moments where you realize that just maybe you are exactly where you are meant to be.
Fast forward to today – Saturday, April 13th 2019. I am part of Marilyn and Bill’s core team, and we are exactly 2 weeks away from launching our very first wellness event at the Texas Hill Country’s newest eco event venue and wellness retreat, The Cedars Ranch.
And what is the theme of our debut wellness event?
“Fierce Self-Compassion: Unplug Your Inner Critic”, with keynote speaker Dr. Kristin Neff.
The seeds of self-compassion already lie within you – learn how you can uncover this powerful resource and transform your life.
Dr. Kristin Neff & Dr. Christopher Germer
With Much Kindness & Love,
Brenda
